Psst…Your DNA Thinks You’re Stupid

After having great success finding my birth families, I started wondering what other lifetime issues my DNA might be able to solve. It took less than a second to pick the next stop on the genome train. I submitted my DNA to GenoPalate in hopes of sorting my complex relationship with food.

My scientist husband rolled his eyes so hard it changed his prescription.

My kids ignored me.

I purchased the basic package, downloaded the app, and waited impatiently for the email that would change my life in ways I couldn’t imagine. I mean, after the great egg debacle of the 80’s I take any and all advice from the government with a grain of salt. Thus, I’ve been left at the mercy of every other diet guru on the planet. I had good luck with Diet Center in the ’80s, living in Hawaii in the ’90s, being pregnant most of the early ’00s, and rounded out the 2000’s with the young family survival diet mostly eating mac and cheese and veggies my kids refused to touch. Recently, I’ve tried Paleo, Keto, Raw, and Vegetarian. I finally settled on Intermittent Fasting because eating nothing is easier to remember. Then this little graph showed up in my Genopalate app.

That’s right! I should be eating CARBS!! What the hell? Carbs are the epitome of evil! The reason I’m fat! The seeds of all kinds of disease and being fat. I was so excited about this I called my youngest sister who had done Paleo and Keto with me.

“I should eat lots of potatoes!” I yelled at her through the phone. “It’s one of the top four carbs for me!”

She was so impressed, she signed up, got her own report, and called me back. “I should eat rice,” she said.

We laughed and laughed. She’s Korean.

“See!” My husband said, “It’s just common sense.”

Perhaps he’s right, but he grew up surrounded by people genetically modified to be just like him for thousands of years. Me, on the other hand, no one, at all, ever. I wanted more. Filled with the glut of information about my food choices, I purchased the traits package offered by Ancestry, but there were only thirty and I wanted more! Then one day a site came across my FB timeline. Genomelink said they would give me 110 traits for FREE! Sweet! 110 traits could keep me busy for a long time and, of course, I could always buy access to more. Let me tell you, it has been pretty cool…until February. Reinforcing why I hate February…It started like this.

Every week I get a bonus trait emailed to me, for free. I look forward to every Tuesday, looking for the next piece of new information from my genetic world. I get to read the little report and let them know if the information is accurate with a NO 🙁 NOT SURE😐 YES🙂. Ancestry also asked for my opinion on their list of traits. When they said I had the Sprinter gene I paused for a moment of silence for that sad little never used piece of genetic material. However, it was more fun with emojis and I quickly sorted through my 110 pieces of genetic information with no real surprises but cool information. Then came the pandemic winter of my DNA.

It may have been before Christmas 2020, somewhere around there that I received my first reality check from Genomelink. It was a Tuesday, and I checked my email. There it was, my bonus trait freebie.

Brain Arousal at Resting State

Ohhhhho! This was going to be good! Heaven knows my brain never turns off, especially when it should be resting.

The first thing I read – You have less persistent Brain Arousal – I have…what? I looked at my emoji choices. I wanted to click NO but I wasn’t sure. So I didn’t click anything. I looked up the meaning of less persistent brain arousal and it didn’t seem any clearer. I decided to come back to it another day. Well, there’s always next week.

The next week, it was Tuesday, there was my email. The usual excitement over it’s arrival seemed a bit dampened. I opened the message. Cognitive Ability with a little drawing of a brain with gears. I let out a sigh of relief. I know how to cognate..err, cognititive- you know what I mean. I clicked on the picture to unlock my free trait and read this-

You have less strong cognitive ability.

After a shocked pause – The hell I do! I think good! I could feel my DNA judging me. The next few weeks went like this-

Less acute hearing ability

More acute math ability (WTF? Not that I ever noticed)

Less acute word reading ability and right behind that one More acute reading and spelling

High childhood intelligence (unfortunately not a child anymore-would liked to have known this sooner, 45 years ago)

Weak musical ability (guess 20 years of piano lessons and choir were a waste)

And finally in the midst of record breaking cold temperatures in the middle of February in North Dakota.

Intermediate to weak tendency for having high intelligence

And it arrived the week I questioned every decision I’d ever made.

The past weeks have been better. Though I admit I’m a little slower to open that email. Genomelink reports I have a high probability for higher education, yes. Then came, we are 100% sure you smoked before you were 18, no, never. I’m better at multitasking but am likely to be more lonely, a risk taker and like to plan activities for the early morning (no)

Kidding aside, I am fascinated by this research. It has brought the nature vs nurture debate to permanent life in my head. I realize it’s not an exact science, not yet. This week? This week they want to tell me how likely I am to have Facial Attractiveness. Yeah, there’s a gene for that. No, I haven’t opened it yet. I’m not primed for bad news again after last two weeks 100% likely to be neurotic and 100% no facial recognition ability. 😳

Good thing I don’t need to recognize any of you.

BTS wrote a song about DNA. It was the first music video my girls made me watch, before BTS came to own our playlists. The first BTS dance I watched them practice day after day in the living room. And, after just now viewing the video again (On June 1, 2020 it became the first Korean music video to cross 1 Billion Views) I realize I might love the song even more because it is one of only two music videos where he dances the hell out of a pair of red pants.

4 thoughts on “Psst…Your DNA Thinks You’re Stupid”

  1. I didn’t even know this stuff existed! But I’m too old to have science judging me, and in all probability, finding me wanting, so I’ll pass on more testing. But we do have to remember that it’s still based on probabilities, not certainties.
    By-the-by, they got you quite wrong petal x

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