Everything you read in this post is an emotional, hormonal dump. I am not having a nervous break down, nor am I in desperate need of attention. I need to post to my blog this week and it’s going to look like spring cleaning. Sometimes I get lots of odds and ends piled up in the corners of my mind that need to be swept away so that I can find a comfy place to sit and write.
I read a quote once that said Write as if no one will ever read a word of it. It’s brilliant advice, I wish I could follow. But in the back of my mind, I can see the light of my candle reflected in their glittering eyes. I see you all back there, you who think you know me, have known me, knew me once upon a time. I’m not that girl anymore. I made her up, she came out of my head like all this other stuff does.
I know, I know, she was so sweet! There was nothing wrong with her. That’s how it looked to you.
It never looked like that to me.
I wondered why I had to work so hard to fit in, why don’t they care about me? What is so wrong with me? I thought inappropriate things were hilarious. I wanted to read, all the time. I hated school. I didn’t love planting trees, weeding the garden, cooking dinner, hanging wet laundry on the line, cleaning to mom’s specifications.Yeah, I know, you all had a similar childhood, so whats the big deal? I don’t know, that’s the first pile I’ve just moved.
Next, hm, here we go, Passion. Oh, I really love this pile! Everyone talks about Passion. Live your life with Passion. Find a job that feeds your Passion. Whatever you do, do it with Passion. Write your Passions. In fact, you might as well kill yourself if you’re not living with Passion. Let’s disregard that last sentance for a bit. I’ll let you all in on a secret, sometimes Passion sucks.
This is my Passion
That is, this is the glance I’m willing to share with you all. There will be no touching, no further peeking, don’t even think about it!
I keep expecting it to fade. Sometimes I wish it would disappear. I wish my Passion was exercise. That would be totally awesome, then all my other Passions would be so much simpler. I should be saying my children are my passion. No, they’ll grow up and have their own lives. Perhaps I should say my job is my passion, no, my current job is just the latest in a string of jobs I do very well but does nothing to inspire or challenge me. I’d love to say that writing is my passion but that’s backwards for me. My characters are my passion, and what I see, inspires my characters. I never know when or where they’re going to appear. Being nosy, that’s really my Passion. Enough of this pile. If I can’t sit on his lap I don’t want to sit anywhere over here.
It’s getting warm up here and I’m starting to remember how much I hate cleaning. One last pile then I’ll take a break. Over there is mom’s pile, not touching that today. Lessons learned in twenty-one years of marriage, nope, not tonight. Bitter Recriminations Against Myself, and its twin pile, Against Others, too depressing.
Here we go, how about this one, right behind my eyes. If I clean this up or sweep it a little to the left, I can sit and look out at my world. And if I’m really lucky, my left brain will assimilate it like some science fiction horror flick and I will regurgitate it into a book and it will be funny and have a happy ending. What pile is this? This is this year. The first three and a half months. The frustrations at work, the mistakes already made, the diet and exercise that is effective but taking waaay too long, I think, every time I look in the mirror. And look, right here on top, that adorable sundress I bought that ruined my day today. I hate shopping for clothes, I hate dressing rooms, I hate mirrors and chirpy sales women. I love this dress but I don’t love the body or the face that will wear it. She made me throw up in my mouth a little today in that dressing room. Maybe by the time summer rolls around it will look like this on me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I know my diet and exercise plan have it in them to achieve it. In their own damn sweet time. I know a lot of things that don’t make me feel any better. There is this one last thing. This Whisper I saw today, this made me feel a little better, well enough to sit back down at the computer and do a little spring cleaning. A few words strung together, written down that made a difference today. Reminded me of the people I have now that are patiently waiting for my chrysalis to finally open. A little giddy with wonder at what new colors will show, the people who can love me, until I can love myself.