Stepping into Real Life

I got trolled a few weeks ago, pretty hard. It was at one o’clock in the morning, and I was very proud of myself when I woke up the next morning and realized it hadn’t bothered me hardly at all. Just the nusiance of it mainly. I remembered some of the first times when they could make me cry. Now I only block their sorry asses from my beautiful yard.

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I thought about that for several days. I thought about a time about six years ago when an actor somehow really pulled me out of my head and made me want more than what I was settling for. I thought about how far down that road I’ve come. Thought about the dead ends I’ve discovered and about how far there still is to go. Mostly I thought about how much I’ve learned about myself. How chickenshit I am. How emotionally hobbled I’ve lived. How naive I continue to be. That’s a hard one to shake. How long I’ve lived without emotion. Remember how my first concert caught me so off guard? They’re still doing it to me with their new album.

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I’ve started pinpointing all the things I do in my life to bring pleasure because I spend so much time doing what I should do instead of what I love to do. I’m taking baby steps to remedy that. Thank you, Mr. Armitage. Thank you, BTS

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Are they really what has given me the gumption to step out of my head and into daily life. Are they really the glimmer of light I needed to try and stay out of my head in the day instead of retreat into waking fantasy? I certainly believe they are a piece of the puzzle.

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I’ve been back from Arkansas for three weeks now. Yes, I went. I’m struggling to write about it. Spread out all the tangled strings of fifty years of emotion. It wasn’t what I expected, it was better. And worse. I let myself down, but others involved stepped up in magnificant ways. I’ve written a preliminary blog about it but it isn’t right yet. It’s just words. Words about the side of adoption I don’t hear much about. I was thinking about those shows on TV where they reunite people and most of the times it’s tears and excitement. What if it’s not? What if it’s embarrassment and anger? What if it’s disappointment and disinterest?  What if it’s awkward?

Like so many things, this bit of my life didn’t play out like I expected, like I saw on TV, says a genuine child of the seventies.

 

Coming Soon

Arkansas

Planting Tomatoes

Oasis

 

29 Comments

  1. I continue to keep you in my prayers. I know how difficult this whole journey is/has been for you. I’m glad you’re starting to live a little more for yourself. We all need time and things for ourselves. Stay well Carly. People out here care for you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I’m trying hard not to complain about it so much, or whine. But the realization of what the past five years has done, physically and emotionally to me sometimes buries me. I thought I was tougher than that. It catches me off guard at times.
      Thanks for your kind words, and a blog that takes my mind to wonderful places.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Ugh. I hate trolls. Who likes them aside for themsevles? Good for you – Blocking them is the best way to go. I’ve learned that myself, as well. I rarely get trolled now-a-days but still, if one is online, one will eventually experience what it is like to get trolled. Once in awhile I slip up and respond back to a troll. Whether if it’s driven by emotions or just out of curiosity only to be reminded the same lesson again – it’s not worth it. Giving any kind of response to them feeds their sad soul.

    I don’t know your entire family story though I’ve read about you being adopted and the emotional road you’ve gone down and are still on to find peace. I also do not know what it is like to be adopted/find out of one’s adoption. However, I hope you do find the peace you seek.

    Dealing with family – whether in one’s city/home or not, can always involve stress. I just had my in-laws from Thunder Bay visit Toronto for the weekend and it came with a lot of drama. Especially as they had been planning this trip for awhile but only told me after they bought the plane tickets. The level of disrespect towards me, the partner to their son and mother to their grandchild, was not even thought about. Like… wow.

    Liked by 2 people

        1. I did that once. I got a call from an acquaintance on a Thursday saying they were coming to visit on the Friday and they hoped I didn’t mind but they would stay until Monday morning. I replied that I was sorry but my wife and I would be out of town for the weekend. In truth we hadn’t planned anything but were looking forward to the weekend because we would be without kids. Knowing this person, we did an impromptu trip to one of our favourite nearby destinations. We had a great weekend and when we returned found a note at our door from our “guests”. Just as well we went away.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you Shy! I did actually answer them then ended up deleting their comments and mine. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, however, if you want to see it on my blog it better be kept respectful. I have no time for mean people.
      I know I will find my place and my people, I just didn’t expect the journey to be such a challenge. I thought it would be easy by now. Ridiculous, I now see.
      I don’t miss dealing with my parents, that’s for sure. They never saw their children as adults or equals. We never graduated out of the kid zone to friend or trusted adult or even able adult. I don’t miss their childish expectations when it came to us. I’m fifty years old, for pities sake, treat me like another adult not just a kid at your beck and call.
      I have no patience anymore for disrespectful adults who think they deserve something because they raised you. It was my pleasure to raise my kids, I am excited to share in their growth and interests and I treat them with the respect and love I hope they have for me.
      Disrespect from your in-laws just sucks!
      did they plan with their son and just leave you out all together or was information just not passed along-I’ve had both issues myself. I feel for you!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My mom still treats me like I know nothing but in all fairness she treats everyone she knows like that. 🙂 She’s a controller through and through. She means well – her intent is to keep everyone safe with the most informed information and decisions. It’s just that she’s never come full circle to see how everyone has different decisions on how to choose their paths and there’s no right or wrong just because it doesn’t fit her mindset. I am going to be 47 end of this year so I feel where you are coming from. I just tell her that I’ve got it and to stop worrying. Then I walk away. LOL!

        The recent journey you had – it’s not ridiculous you had higher expectations. After all, I think our faith and hope is what keeps us going. You can only do what you can do – only control what you can control. If others are not stepping up then eventually, you might have to decide if it is worth it and only you can decide on that. And when to decide on that. I hope all the best regardless of what you decide! You seem like a beautiful person so you deserve happiness and peace!

        My past weekend with my in-laws – it was a surprise visit for my husband so he didn’t know (to celebrate his 50th). They told me they were coming 3 months ago. But 3 months is actually very little time when our schedule is so booked. My husband is a firefighter so every 4 weekends, he works 2 of them. It means 3 months is more like 1.5 months of free weekends for us. They didn’t give me a choice – they didn’t WANT to give me a choice. Yet I was the one stuck with planning the party for him. I couldn’t not do it at our house – how could I when it was where my daughter studies, where I do overtime and we are planning a big vacation! I didn’t have time to cook or clean or decorate. So I went and booked at a restaurant but for 19 people, restaurants can not accommodate unless they do events. My MIL said, ‘Oh there’s plenty of time to plan!’ NO THERE WASN’T! She told me this just 2 days before a week long business trip, followed by a Sales & Marketing meeting I was hosting after the trip then followed by my biggest week long business trip I have each year in Vegas, which was just weeks away from his birthday. 2 of the restaurants I called were already booked – because my husband’s birthday falls on Father’s Day weekend. No one offered to help – none of them offered to pay. And I had to find a restaurant where they had food my in-laws would like. I’m, in Toronto so we’re use to a variety of types of food but my in-laws are picky eaters. Anyway – I found a good place on my 3rd try. I picked one of their 3-course set menus because it was how we could get through the evening properly – imagine that many people ordering a la carte?

        $1,800 later, we did end up having an amazing evening as I also invited two families my husband and I consider our best friends. I am not getting slack for paying too much from my parents but I had very little options at the time. And I felt we got our money’s worth – these days you can’t spend anything less than that for that type of a party size in our city.

        I can’t win! LOL! But my husband was very happy and we had a great time our friends since we sat with them at the other end of the table/room.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. What a nightmare! I have that problem, too, with a parent who insists that something’s possible that isn’t (either financially or logistically). Really aggravating. Sounds like $1800 was a small price to pay to solve the problem.

          Liked by 2 people

            1. If you have to do it again just tell them you’re doing it “the European way.” It’s perfectly normal on most of the continent to throw a party for a significant round-numbered birthday at a restaurant. (Of course that wouldn’t work with my dad, but it’s less awkward than saying “I don’t want these people in my house, which I am using to live in!”).

              Liked by 2 people

  3. “how much I have let myself hate myself” would go on my list, too. I totally hear you. Good on you for going to Arkansas and taking the big risk, no matter what would happen or be said while you were there.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Go for it.

        My BTS-comparable obsession is that I have now seen “Rocketman” 20 times (and I’ll see it tonight again for sure and possibly tomorrow). There’s a scene toward the end that is very 80s/90s 12-steppy (stuff I normally won’t touch with a ten-foot-pole) that I’m addicted to. Can’t watch it enough, and I sob every time. The beginning of the scene involves Elton John (Taran Egerton) saying “as long as I can remember I have despised myself” and it’s like a punch in the gut.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I haven’t seen it yet. I read that you’d watched it 20 times and read it again thinking I’d misread the number. Looks like I’ll be taking myself to the movie this week!
          I’m glad you are finding the time for yourself.
          I think this reason here is why I love movies so much, what they teach me about myself. Hearing that Elton John felt the same way I did and survived, found a way to thrive. They give me hope that I can be more than I think.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. It helped that dad was gone for a week, LOL. I could see it twice a night and I’m in the level of cinema rewards that basically every fourth / fifth ticket is free now if I choose the right time of day. Lately I’ve been going to the very very late show here (11 p.m. or later) when everything is quiet. I feel a little insane and the ticket people are very amused but I am still getting something out of it. It’s a really likable film, I think — except if you can’t stand Elton John, then obvs it probably won’t help. I wouldn’t have called myself a fan of his necessarily but I don’t hate the music either.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I think you are really brave to go and meet your people. And I admire you for doing things with and for your daughters that are new experiences. There’s not an age limit for embracing new adventures and it’s great that you are doing it. I’m really interested to hear how meeting your family was both better and worse than you expected, when you are ready to tell it.

    Liked by 1 person

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