Head or Heart?

I’m in a learning phase.

A dreaming place.

A chapter of curiosity.

A crossroad, if you will.

I’ve been here before perhaps more than I realize.

I’ve told the school that I do not plan on returning except as an occasional substitute. Since stating that in February, some things have changed and other job opportunities in the school have opened up. Now that I’m pushed to my breaking/leaving point, they are asking me what I would like to do. Honestly, now I’m not sure.

How is that possible?

It’s possible because I know what I can do at the school. It’s familiar. I know how much money I’ll make, how may hours I’ll work. I know I’ll pour all my creativity and energy into it and have none left for writing or housework. I can work the hell out of this job, that I know.

I’ve recently investigated a wellness place and if I could afford to visit weekly, I know the results would be amazing but the cost is prohibitive. But, if I worked full time in the fall, I could afford it.  That, my brain knows.

Here’s where it’s gets complex. My heart just isn’t in it. My heart wants to write, wants to daydream, wants to blog. She wants to paint the walls gray and install new hardwood, and repair the AC. Of course, my heart can’t guarantee I’ll be able to take trips, go to concerts, or afford the spa. She just wants what she wants. She’s not so worried about the numbers. She believes if we love what we do, what we love will come to us.

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Ive been working on living more from my heart, trying to let it guide my day to day doings. Sometimes it is a spectacular success but most times I flip back into my head without even noticing. It’s not so easy, walking around with one’s heart wide open. Triggers happen. Plans fail. People are so freaking hard! And don’t even get me started with how much my brain hates living from my heart. I am my own toughest critic.

Technically, I have until August 1st to decide.

Head or Heart?

yohann-lc-1052234-unsplash
Photo by Yohann Lc on Unsplash

 

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25 Comments

  1. I vote for heart always but the answer will depend on each person and their circumstances. Writing is nice but there‘S got to be an end goal somewhere that’s measurable and has some return on investment that will pay for the spa and other things.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart wants to do lots of things, but I have to work for the family. On the other hand, I’m usually too tired and brain-dead to blog or anything at night. It’s a dilemma, for sure.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This is the thing for me (as you know I have a similar problem): I will always opt (for whatever reason — my raising or my personality or my fear of myself and my own creativity or my concern about what others will think or whatever the reason is or reasons are) to spend the effort for others’ needs if that’s what’s demanded. Then I will feel resentful and gradually become paralyzed.

    So to summarize: quitting the soul-sucking job is the first step. (Also, I think we all need a rest at the moment; you and I ahve similar fatigue levels, it sounds like.) The next step is really prioritizing what you want. I’ve succeeded at the first a few times but never at the second.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, I think we have similar fatigue levels. I think I should be less tired than you but I don’t feel that way. I’m caught by the fact that I do like the people I work with and that job does keep me busy and distracted until three o’clock every day. If only I had the energy to utilize the hours between three and nine but daydreams turn to naps and though my kids are older, there are lots of interruptions.
      I have no solitude to imagine my stories in. If I continue working full time, my brain will be filled with my job. If I quit and write-I can’t predict what will happen. That may be my whole problem right there.

      Like

      1. fwiw that is exactly how I felt about academic advising. It was 9 to 5 except that I was always exhausted after work, always in deficit. And the not knowing what to predict is absolutely worrying.

        Like

  4. I’m in the same boat. It’s not that I don’t love what I do for a living. But all the overtime and impossible deadlines is ruining my health and I know it. I am keeping my eyes out for a non-profit organization especially one where their cause would mean something to me. That way I can put my energy into a company without killing myself to get the job done. It will mean a pay-cut but less stress than what I am facing now. I want to work from 9-5. Not 8 to 8 and weekends. I hate having no energy come Friday evening that I don’t feel like going out to meet-up with friends. So I’m trying to find an in-between which will help balance things out. The job I have now is decent pay but every time I get a raise I get more pressure. And that’s ridiculous.

    Good luck to you! You have until August so that will definitely give you some time to reflect.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I work for a non-profit… my job at least is not easier, but it is less money. I’m working the long hours and the weekends, with the impossible deadlines and it’s ruining my health. I’m exhausted all the time. All I’m saying is that working at a non-profit, while it is for sure for ago

      Liked by 1 person

    2. … a good cause, is not necessarily that different. There is more and more pressure to do more with less and to meet crazy funder demands. All I’m saying is that you have to really evaluate each job on its own merits.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I suppose it depends on the company but in marketing my friend went to a non-profit org and is happier. I suppose it also depends if you live where labour laws are more strict to protect the employees.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Yes, it all depends. Because I’m in senior management, there is less protection, unfortunately. We’re working to reorganize my position, so I hope it will get better. My organization is a victim of its own success,

          Liked by 2 people

                1. I don’t want to get too specific publicly, because my real-life persona is somewhat find-able on the internet. It is a large charity that provides a wide range of services for individuals. I’m not on the front lines, rather my team keeps the back end running. Still, it’s great to work towards a good cause. A lot of the funding is government, which strangely has a competitive bidding process. We win a lot of contracts because our work is good. Hence the growth.

                  Liked by 1 person

    3. And to you! That is a vicious schedule! Your health is certainly more important, if only employers realized how much better their company would be with healthy, happy employees.

      Like

  5. Nothing worse than working in a job when your heart is elsewhere. Despite doing a fantastic job and feeling comfortable it just doesn’t cut it. And when you are too fatigued to look after your passions… still the financial comfort often forces us to stay. Whatever you decide, I’m sure you’ll do well at. I am certain the decision will not be easy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A lot of people speak about how much more one can do when it comes from the heart. How much more power one has, how many more people can be reached by the heart than the head. If you asked me, “If you could live your dream, what would it look like?” It wouldn’t look like now. Is comfort all that holds me back? Am I that adventure-less now? You given me a few things to think about.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. If I may suggest, pick up a book but Mel Robbins titled “The 5 Second Rule”. I saw it and decided to buy it because I am in the same sort of spin cycle as well. For a self help book, it is a remarkably quick and easy read and I can say I actually put it into practice.

    Liked by 1 person

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