The Ideal Life

Two years ago when I stepped my newly determined foot on the pathway to the cure, I kept reading this phrase, it will get worse before it gets better.

At the time, I was feeling great. I had just started a detox program with my chiropractor, I was doing Pilates 3 or 4 times a week, and seeing amazing results. I was amazed and probably said something like, this is so easy, or, I’ve finally got a handle on it! Because all of a sudden the other shoe dropped.

A job was lost. Money dried up. After a few amazing months I had to stop everything, and try to control what I could at home. The anxiety that had become my constant companion was winning the day. I couldn’t run fast enough. The stone was crumbling beneath my feet. Despite the fact I never want to do that again, it was not the first time it had happened and I fear it won’t be the last.

You see, few things silence Carly more completely than stress. I can feel it even now, riding between my shoulder blades, gnawing on my spine. The weight of it presses me down so, that it’s all I can do to get through a day, and crawl to my bed. When I sit at the computer it whispers evil truths into my ear and binds the happy stream of words with the chains of my own idealism. Anxiety slithers along the back of my neck leaving shocking kisses that stop my heart. All of that is just distraction, it’s the first delicate tendrils of misgiving threading their way through my vision of tomorrow that do the most damage. I understand now, why she apologized when she call me an Idealist.

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14 thoughts on “The Ideal Life

    1. I have this picture, this vision in my head made up of past, present and future. It seems at times that they all conspire against even the smallest degree of contentment ever reaching me. I’ll get through it, I just need to keep reminding myself how far I’ve moved the needle.
      Thank you for reminding me I have more than I sometimes realize.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I feel you. I’m also having a lot of feelings of “this is so much harder than I predicted” and “If I could just ONE of these worries off my table.” I also know that for me the amount of stress expended expands to fill the space available; if it were fewer things I’d stress out more about them. Sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s really true. In the end there are decisions I am not finding hard to make about terminating relationships but the response is difficult.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. It will pass. It’s the frustration and silence in the middle of the night that drives me out to the computer to try and make sense of it. Of course, there’s no sense to be made at 2 am… haha the jokes on me!
      Thanks for the positive vibes!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I lost something along the way when I was reading. I don’t know what the other shoe is but I’m here if you need to chat. You got my number – oh wait, I got your number, too. I just don’t know why I missed this post from a week ago but sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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