until I couldn’t be, and last night I felt a little less alone in my own mind and heart.
Last night I watched the latest episode of The Good Wife. I love that show, I love the writing, I love the characters, and I love their struggles. Last night I heard two different lines come out of Alicia Florrick’s mouth, things I have spoken myself, almost word for word. Then there was the heartbreaking moment when the man she is seeing, Jason, shows up in a restaurant kissing another woman. It hurts her.
She asks her best friend, Luca, “Why does it even matter, I didn’t want to marry him, didn’t want to tie him down.” She admits she has issues with this, men lying and cheating on her, thanks to her husband. As she tries to understand why she’s upset, like all of the best friends around the world, Luca, points out that Alicia isn’t in tears and that brings a fresh smile to Alicia’s face. She’s made progress.
It gets better when Jason comes to apologize.
“I think, I think that I offended you.” Jason says.
He says the exact thing I said a week ago. I wish a writer had given the man I spoke to his lines.
Alicia stops him right there, saying, “I’m an adult. I know it may not look like it from this pizza, but I am.” She goes on, not allowing him to explain his supposed offense and with her open heart welcomes him back as though he’d never stepped into shadow.
She managed to do something I haven’t yet accomplished. She figured out how to get what she wanted in spite of thinking that wasn’t who she was. Does that mean she changed who she was or that she finally accepted herself as she is?
Towards the end of the show, as she is unzipping his fly under the table, in a very public place, she whispers to him, “I wasted the last twenty years; I’m not going to waste the next twenty.”
I know exactly what she means, uttering those words, and what she doesn’t. She doesn’t mean she regrets the last twenty years, the love she had, the children she mothered, the experiences she’s survived. What she regrets is not being true to herself along the way, to her own needs and desires, she regrets putting herself dead last among all the humanity she served. She doesn’t say it to denigrate anything she’s done but to spell out what is going to happen next. Almost a warning to those listening, my time has now begun. Let me say very clearly here, that those past twenty years, will make the next twenty so much sweeter, or sour, or savory, but she’ll decide that for herself.