I was a good wife

until I couldn’t be, and last night I felt a little less alone in my own mind and heart.

Last night I watched the latest episode of The Good Wife. I love that show, I love the writing, I love the characters, and I love their struggles. Last night I heard two different lines come out of Alicia Florrick’s mouth, things I have spoken myself, almost word for word. Then there was the heartbreaking moment when the man she is seeing, Jason, shows up in a restaurant kissing another woman. It hurts her.

She asks her best friend, Luca, “Why does it even matter, I didn’t want to marry him, didn’t want to tie him down.” She admits she has issues with this, men lying and cheating on her, thanks to her husband. As she tries to understand why she’s upset, like all of the best friends around the world, Luca, points out that Alicia isn’t in tears and that brings a fresh smile to Alicia’s face. She’s made progress.

It gets better when Jason comes to apologize.

Payback

“I think, I think that I offended you.” Jason says.

He says the exact thing I said a week ago. I wish a writer had given the man I spoke to his lines.

Alicia stops him right there, saying, “I’m an adult. I know it may not look like it from this pizza, but I am.” She goes on, not allowing him to explain his supposed offense and with her open heart welcomes him back as though he’d never stepped into shadow.

She managed to do something I haven’t yet accomplished. She figured out how to get what she wanted in spite of thinking that wasn’t who she was. Does that mean she changed who she was or that she finally accepted herself as she is?

Towards the end of the show, as she is unzipping his fly under the table, in a very public place, she whispers to him, “I wasted the last twenty years; I’m not going to waste the next twenty.”

I know exactly what she means, uttering those words, and what she doesn’t. She doesn’t mean she regrets the last twenty years, the love she had, the children she mothered, the experiences she’s survived. What she regrets is not being true to herself along the way, to her own needs and desires, she regrets putting herself dead last among all the humanity she served. She doesn’t say it to denigrate anything she’s done but to spell out what is going to happen next. Almost a warning to those listening, my time has now begun. Let me say very clearly here, that those past twenty years, will make the next twenty so much sweeter, or sour, or savory, but she’ll decide that for herself.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “I was a good wife

  1. One of my favourites too, some very subtle subtext going on there. I can identify with her so much (no ex running for president though) but that time wasted on trying to do the right thing goes all to quickly, and then your my age and wondering what hit you. To thine own self be true. As is usual Willie was right.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love that show. Haven’t watched it in ages though, but thanks on demand access to entire seasons I will get back to it when I have chunks of time again.

    The past, if we sharpen our hindsight lenses, will teach us valuable lessons which can help make the future so much better. The trouble is, we don’t always learn the lessons we’re meant to the first time around. Repeating mistakes can be detrimental, but once we figure out what didn’t work we’re one step closer to finding what does.

    Thanks for sharing your knowledge of the show with us. Very insightful!

    Like

    1. I’m sad to see it go, but gone and done it is. (I didn’t like the ending) Many of the realizations I’ve had in my forties have left me unsettled. I’m not sure how much better I can make my future, however, I am sure what the requirements are for my participation now. I still feel quite short sighted but I think my hindsight is improving….

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s